As I continued today to sort paperwork, I fought a particular sadness that always fills me when I dredge through the past. Whether it’s reading old journals, shredding financial records, or just trawling through a pile of memorabilia that I’ve collected, I end up feeling a bit nauseated and sometimes depressed. It isn’t that the memories are bad, … read more Bits of my life
Tag: depression
The invisible tree
Of all the Christmas trees I’ve decorated, I only remember one. The most beautiful one. I was single, and working at my first newspaper job. I lived alone in a darling apartment, the upper floor of a former carriage house behind a very grand house on Mahoning Avenue. Depression hovered. I was learning to take care … read more The invisible tree
Get out
I woke up feeling as gray as the day itself. Heavy, soggy, misty. The weight stayed on me through coffee, through my morning work, through lunch when my eyes began raining for no reason at all. It seemed like it might turn into a wasted day. Browsing my email listlessly, I came across a story about … read more Get out
The distance I feel
I used to love to talk to my sisters on the phone. We’d talk for hours. There was never enough time to talk to my sisters as much as I wanted to. I’ve got old friends who I used to talk with that way, too. Hours. Today, I talked to one of them. I squeezed it in … read more The distance I feel
Certain kind of wind
Cold that comes in the wrong month, big oaks have to bend, light that’s caught in the leaves, a certain kind of wind Air from the Caucasus, memory of other breezes, uneven breath, an old man’s sighs, homesick for an unknown place Movement without purpose, shapes without form, stirred restless without progress, old movies on … read more Certain kind of wind
More pills??
The surgeons are done with me. Today I turned myself in at the office of the primary care doctor. My usual doc was out of the country, so I went to his partner. I wasn’t too sure about going to a stranger. But I’m anxious to get some closer-to-home follow-up on the daily trials I’ve been dealing … read more More pills??
Re-gifted
Sometimes people get gifts they don’t want, so they just give them to someone else. Christmas is a great excuse for this practice of “re-gifting.” That happened to me today. I woke to a rainy, misty day on the mountain. I got up because my back was aching to move. I was very slow, still a … read more Re-gifted
What’s wrong
I’m so frightened. I can’t keep crying like this. What’s wrong with me? I don’t feel depressed, but I cry all the time. Am I going to revert to those horrible years in my 20s when depression left me immobilized? I had told a close friend about this fear, and she shared my email with … read more What’s wrong
Cry me a river
It comes out of nowhere. I’m going through the day just fine, and then suddenly I’m sobbing. No apparent reason. I don’t even feel depressed. But I’m crying my heart out. Sometimes it’s a couple times, or three times. Today, five or six times. I don’t know what it’s about. OK, I’m alone most of … read more Cry me a river
Weeping, and other visions
“Those who do not weep, do not see.” – Victor Hugo, “Les Miserables” A friend offered this quote after my sorrowful post about my failures in fused glass. It reminds me of the passage from Khalil Gibran’s “The Prophet” engraved on my memory: “The more that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can … read more Weeping, and other visions