Dec. 18: I struggled with the scissors. Moving them slowly back and forth across the green construction paper, I came up with a shape that lacked an identity. It resembled a fir tree only because I used pinking shears to give it a jagged edge. Then I tried to cut small circles out of red construction … read more Hallelujah!
Tag: recovery
What’s wrong
I’m so frightened. I can’t keep crying like this. What’s wrong with me? I don’t feel depressed, but I cry all the time. Am I going to revert to those horrible years in my 20s when depression left me immobilized? I had told a close friend about this fear, and she shared my email with … read more What’s wrong
The interrogation
“And how long do you cook this part?” Ann asked. I wanted to kill her. We had decided to make stirfry for dinner, to use up the tofu and veggies. Little did I realize that this would nearly drive me over the edge. My sister, who is an excellent cook, is also a by-the-recipe cook. … read more The interrogation
Alone again
Today I was entirely alone for the first time in four weeks. No nurses and doctors, no Tom, no caregiver except for my orange plastic bottles of prescription drugs. I slept a lot. I felt more relaxed than I have in a month. It is yet another dimension of realization about how much I take … read more Alone again
Fear of the mantel
We have a fireplace with a wood mantel. I’m afraid of it. I have to walk past this mantel corner to walk to the bookshelves or behind the couch. There’s plenty of room for both of us. But when I walk past it, I shrink away from it in fear. I put my shoulder and hand up, … read more Fear of the mantel
My reluctant brain
Even when I was in the hospital, just days after surgery, I was incredulous to find that my brain won’t listen to me. Me: “With all this laying-around time, I could catch up on my reading!” Brain: “Nope. No books.” Me: “How about magazines? Lots of pretty pictures!” Brain: “Nope. No magazines.” Me: “Hey, we … read more My reluctant brain
Coloring, at least
Around this time of year, I usually take a break of a week or so and do nothing but art. I call it the “Art Sprawl.” This immersion usually produces some nice drawings, progress on art projects and ideas for paintings. It’s also a time to focus on a particular technique. But I can’t do … read more Coloring, at least
Lost
[December 8] So many days, like today, I feel completely lost. I don’t know what I should be doing to “recover.” I get a little exercise, but everything else I do is very random. I sleep late, I wander to the couch, I eat, I take pills, I go to the bathroom. Twice a day I … read more Lost
Cry me a river
It comes out of nowhere. I’m going through the day just fine, and then suddenly I’m sobbing. No apparent reason. I don’t even feel depressed. But I’m crying my heart out. Sometimes it’s a couple times, or three times. Today, five or six times. I don’t know what it’s about. OK, I’m alone most of … read more Cry me a river
Slow dance
Moving slow as molasses. Treading, flapping. The water holds me down, holds me back, and my muscles all feel it. I’m in the pool. It feels so good. The water is warm, the sunlight is streaming through the walls of windows. Outside, the trees are moving easily, and the green stretches down to the lake, … read more Slow dance