Today is the first time I’ve been moving at a normal speed for the whole day. Although I didn’t exactly jump out of bed, I woke up around 7:30 a.m. and had a normal morning routine: a shower, coffee and breakfast, my art improv exercise, reading a magazine. A month ago, I couldn’t imagine normalcy … read more The new normal
Tag: brain
Workouts on paper
The state of my brain has begun to come out in my construction paper workouts. One that partially expresses the feeling of having been attacked: Trying to regain my sense of equilibrium: From yesterday, one that gets at the resistance from my brain to my own commands: Here’s me, with my ever-shifting levels of energy: And … read more Workouts on paper
Alone again, part 3
I have been dreading today. The end of Tom’s vacation. He goes back to the city, and I’m alone again. We made the best of it. But eventually, he loaded up the car, kissed me goodbye, and blinked his headlights in a final wave as I stood on the porch steps. I have been here … read more Alone again, part 3
Accomplished
My biggest accomplishment of 2015 is that I survived it. I like the sound of that – it has the right mix of crispness and surprise. But … nah. “Privileged white girl! What do you know about survival?” my inner critic hisses. The people who should be allowed to take credit for surviving 2015 are … read more Accomplished
Clanging and banging
Bang – bang – bang – bang!! Forty minutes of hammering, clanging, machine gun, buzzing, all very loud right in my ears. My first MRI. The doc yesterday referred me for one on my shoulder, and I wanted to squeeze it in before the end of the year since I’ve met my deductible. MRIs run … read more Clanging and banging
Re-traumatized
[Dec. 28] This morning, I had an anxiety attack from reading the description of my surgery. I had downloaded my patient record from Emory. It described the surgery step by step, in clinical detail. Four pages of detail. It was the first time that I realized what the doctors meant when they said the aneurysm was in an … read more Re-traumatized
Re-gifted
Sometimes people get gifts they don’t want, so they just give them to someone else. Christmas is a great excuse for this practice of “re-gifting.” That happened to me today. I woke to a rainy, misty day on the mountain. I got up because my back was aching to move. I was very slow, still a … read more Re-gifted
Good to go
Dec. 23 – The long-awaited day: my follow-up visit with the neurosurgeons. I was nervous and disoriented as Tom drove us down to Atlanta. I had no idea what to expect from the doctors… and at the same time, being on a freeway again felt like being in a Mad Max movie. Surrounded by hostility … read more Good to go
One too many
My body dragged me a few feet and then threw me in a heap on the couch. I felt groggy and nauseated even after 10 hours of sleep. I had a headache and couldn’t think. This went on for hours. “What is this!?” I said to Tom. “I was feeling so good! We had that … read more One too many
The same, but moreso
DECEMBER 20: One thing I’ve noticed about my recovery-era feelings and behaviors is that they are unquestionably genuine. I don’t have to wonder whether they are some psychodrama I’m re-enacting, or some manipulative behavior that my devious subconscious has come up with. They come straight from inside my own head, unfiltered, authentic. And they’re not … read more The same, but moreso