Refraction – Page 3 – The Weight of My Days

The wind

Awake at 5 a.m., I curl up on the couch and listen to the wind hurling acorns against the house like bullets. There is a magical sound among the bangs and booms. It’s the heavy silver wind chime that my cousins gave us in memory of Mom. I asked my sisters if I could have this chime so that … read more The wind

The no-frazzle freeway

“Does it not amaze you,” I said to Tom as we whizzed along the beltway at 80 mph, “how calm I am on the freeway now?” “Yes,” he said. I’d love it if some neurologist could explain this to me. For the eight years previous to my brain surgery, driving on the freeways in Georgia … read more The no-frazzle freeway

Regaining pain

For about a month Tom’s been having pain in his right hand. Lately it’s gotten worse and affected his ability to do physical therapy with his hand. It limits his range of motion. Even wakes him up at night. It’s a crampy pain, “like there’s too much blood in my hand,” he says. And his … read more Regaining pain

echo echo echo

I wake up in the middle of the night wondering where my jewelry is, or a certain shirt. I have had nightmares like this. Wandering around, looking for things that I owned. Now it’s just my life. Stuff in the packout company’s storage, stuff at the house waiting to go into a dumpster, stuff at … read more echo echo echo

Braced to walk

Braces – ugh. The word evokes jagged bits of metal and leather straps. Polio victims and adolescent teeth. And orthotics – ugly shoes with two-inch soles. Tom went to get fitted for a brace today. His ankle and tibia muscles are weak from the stroke, which makes it hard for him to walk correctly, so his physical therapists … read more Braced to walk

Taken to the cleaners

Just about fainted when I opened the bill from the cleaners: The total was $4,178.50. This is for cleaning all of the textiles that were covered with debris when the tree fell on our house. The tree punched five holes in the roof, including several on the main floor and a big one in our bedroom … read more Taken to the cleaners

Whatever makes you happy

I got a free therapy session, courtesy of a fellow caregiver. He wrote, My counselor asked me last night, “what makes you unhappy?” I was struck by that. I struggled to find something that made me unhappy. I started to blame (my ill spouse) for not taking care of herself, to justify my unhappiness. But … read more Whatever makes you happy

The woman with the dirty T-shirt

She wavered at the car and the crosswalk, not exactly weaving but not quite steady either. Her hair was six ways to Christmas, unbrushed; her skin was blotchy and eyes baggy without makeup. Her shorts were too short for a 50-something woman out in public, her T-shirt was stained and crumpled. It seemed she hadn’t … read more The woman with the dirty T-shirt

Other people’s troubles

When I had to turn down a research gig, my contact at the client company wrote me a private note. She suggested that I get in touch with the Spousal Caregivers / Well Spouse Association. She knew about it because her husband has had MS for seven years. I was really shocked. She’s a young … read more Other people’s troubles

Walking through mud

For several weeks, I’ve been having strange sensations. As though I am melting, like chocolate in the hot sun. As though I am walking through mud and can’t pick up my feet. As though I weigh 400 pounds, even as my actual weight continues to drop. When these were just occasional and physical, they didn’t … read more Walking through mud