Refraction – Page 12 – The Weight of My Days

Small bites

Dec. 15: Even eating an apple has changed. I have a big mouth. I used to be able to bite into an apple and take out a quarter of it in one go. Now, I can’t get my mouth open wide enough to do anything but scrape the skin a little. My jaw doesn’t work … read more Small bites

The interrogation

“And how long do you cook this part?” Ann asked. I wanted to kill her. We had decided to make stirfry for dinner, to use up the tofu and veggies. Little did I realize that this would nearly drive me over the edge. My sister, who is an excellent cook, is also a by-the-recipe cook. … read more The interrogation

Being the baby again

I’ve been able to escape many of my work responsibilities during recovery, but today I had to check and finalize a form for the grant’s next installment. It was painfully difficult. The accountant had made some calculations that I knew weren’t correct. I went over and over the numbers to make sure I had done everything right. Then … read more Being the baby again

Alone again

Today I was entirely alone for the first time in four weeks. No nurses and doctors, no Tom, no caregiver except for my orange plastic bottles of prescription drugs. I slept a lot. I felt more relaxed than I have in a month. It is yet another dimension of realization about how much I take … read more Alone again

Fear of the mantel

We have a fireplace with a wood mantel. I’m afraid of it. I have to walk past this mantel corner to walk to the bookshelves or behind the couch. There’s plenty of room for both of us. But when I walk past it, I shrink away from it in fear. I put my shoulder and hand up, … read more Fear of the mantel

My reluctant brain

Even when I was in the hospital, just days after surgery, I was incredulous to find that my brain won’t listen to me. Me: “With all this laying-around time, I could catch up on my reading!” Brain: “Nope. No books.” Me: “How about magazines? Lots of pretty pictures!” Brain: “Nope. No magazines.” Me: “Hey, we … read more My reluctant brain

Lost

[December 8] So many days, like today, I feel completely lost. I don’t know what I should be doing to “recover.” I get a little exercise, but everything else I do is very random. I sleep late, I wander to the couch, I eat, I take pills, I go to the bathroom. Twice a day I … read more Lost

Cry me a river

It comes out of nowhere. I’m going through the day just fine, and then suddenly I’m sobbing. No apparent reason. I don’t even feel depressed. But I’m crying my heart out. Sometimes it’s a couple times, or three times. Today, five or six times. I don’t know what it’s about. OK, I’m alone most of … read more Cry me a river

I did payroll

I did payroll today. That made me happy. While my health has taken most of my attention, the Pakistan project has continued without a hitch because I work with an amazing team. It’s a small group of internationals who support an equally small group of Pakistanis, but every one of them is dedicated to the project … read more I did payroll

The blood that lingers

I’m in the swamp. I’ve been having lower back pain all week. It started in the hospital, but eased up when I was able to move around. I assumed it was sciatica, but it seems more concentrated near the base of the spine. And I’ve been taking short walks in the parking lot outside the condo, … read more The blood that lingers