Refraction – Page 11 – The Weight of My Days

Clanging and banging

Bang – bang – bang – bang!! Forty minutes of hammering, clanging, machine gun, buzzing, all very loud right in my ears. My first MRI. The doc yesterday referred me for one on my shoulder, and I wanted to squeeze it in before the end of the year since I’ve met my deductible. MRIs run … read more Clanging and banging

More pills??

The surgeons are done with me. Today I turned myself in at the office of the primary care doctor. My usual doc was out of the country, so I went to his partner. I wasn’t too sure about going to a stranger. But I’m anxious to get some closer-to-home follow-up on the daily trials I’ve been dealing … read more More pills??

Re-traumatized

[Dec. 28] This morning, I had an anxiety attack from reading the description of my surgery. I had downloaded my patient record from Emory. It described the surgery step by step, in clinical detail. Four pages of detail. It was the first time that I realized what the doctors meant when they said the aneurysm was in an … read more Re-traumatized

Good to go

Dec. 23 – The long-awaited day: my follow-up visit with the neurosurgeons. I was nervous and disoriented as Tom drove us down to Atlanta. I had no idea what to expect from the doctors… and at the same time, being on a freeway again felt like being in a Mad Max movie. Surrounded by hostility … read more Good to go

Compelled to what?

My body continues to surprise me. This time, though, it’s a good thing. Today, I felt compelled … to … exercise. I can’t remember the last time I had that feeling. Maybe it was in 1998, when I started running, and loved it so much that I thought I’d try to do a triathalon. In … read more Compelled to what?

One too many

My body dragged me a few feet and then threw me in a heap on the couch. I felt groggy and nauseated even after 10 hours of sleep. I had a headache and couldn’t think. This went on for hours. “What is this!?” I said to Tom. “I was feeling so good! We had that … read more One too many

The same, but moreso

DECEMBER 20: One thing I’ve noticed about my recovery-era feelings and behaviors is that they are unquestionably genuine. I don’t have to wonder whether they are some psychodrama I’m re-enacting, or some manipulative behavior that my devious subconscious has come up with. They come straight from inside my own head, unfiltered, authentic. And they’re not … read more The same, but moreso

Alone again, part 2

Dec. 19 – I was alone again this afternoon. Ann left for New York, and Tom had wrap-up work to do at the condo before vacation could really begin for him. I didn’t have much energy to do anything. I laid on the couch, sobbing. Now that I’ve had company, I realize that being alone … read more Alone again, part 2

What else is wrong

I apologized to Ann for talking her ear off. “Oh, no, it’s fine – I’m just glad to see you awake, and not crying,” she said. That’s about right. I don’t have a big repertoire in terms of socializing these days. In addition to sleeping 9 or 10 hours at night, I take a couple … read more What else is wrong

What’s wrong

I’m so frightened. I can’t keep crying like this. What’s wrong with me? I don’t feel depressed, but I cry all the time. Am I going to revert to those horrible years in my 20s when depression left me immobilized? I had told a close friend about this fear, and she shared my email with … read more What’s wrong