Refraction – Page 10 – The Weight of My Days

Self, contained

It’s hard to think of myself as someone who’s been traumatized. That term should be reserved for people who have been victimized in some way, my critical inner voice says. People who were beaten, raped, or hit by shrapnel – that’s trauma. Today I found myself watching a video with therapist Peter Levine about “self-soothing” … read more Self, contained

Bumpy turf

There’s ridges on my head. An indent deep enough that the sides of it make two ridges, and a double-wide ridge just above my temple. The indent is the leading end of the incision they made for the surgery. It’s maybe an inch or an inch and a half long. The ridges on my temple … read more Bumpy turf

Girlie stuff

I read Ms. Magazine from its first year, 1972. I was barely a teenager, but I would scratch out “Miss/Mrs.” on forms and write in “Ms.” Throughout my career, I’ve been correcting reporters, editors and people at large for referring to young women as “girls.” But there’s something about a pink flannel pillow sham with … read more Girlie stuff

Unanswered

Do you have any unanswered emails from friends laying around? I usually have 4, 5, 8 of them flagged and waiting in my inbox. Some of them don’t make it to my to-do list. Sometimes they go unanswered for months. It isn’t that I don’t want to communicate with them. Often these emails are from … read more Unanswered

Down time

Another low-energy day. Hours of down time. Arggggh…. why? Maybe because my sleep was broken up; maybe because it’s a Sunday; maybe because it’s the day after a good time out on the town and a 3D movie. But whatever the reason, it made the day into a struggle. One that the aneurysm itself created. This … read more Down time

The Force re-awakens

On my 18th birthday, I went with a group of friends to see a movie that had made a big splash about six weeks before. It was called “Star Wars.” It cost $11 million to make, which was real money then, and it drew oohs and ahhs with the special effects. I don’t remember being … read more The Force re-awakens

Remembering Osama

Last night, on a re-run of The Newsroom, the killing of Osama bin Laden was the major news event of the day. May 1, 2011. I watched the reporters and other Americans cheering and high-fiving, and it brought back the feelings I had that day. I wasn’t jubilant. I was sad. My sorrow was not, of … read more Remembering Osama

Still growing

I harvested mint today, and lavender. The oregano and thyme are still growing, thick as hair. Even strands of chives are green in the pot. It’s January 4. The herbs on my deck are now 10 months old. I thought it was great to harvest herbs in November. Didn’t imagine it would go into the depths of winter. But … read more Still growing

Alone again, part 3

I have been dreading today. The end of Tom’s vacation. He goes back to the city, and I’m alone again. We made the best of it. But eventually, he loaded up the car, kissed me goodbye, and blinked his headlights in a final wave as I stood on the porch steps. I have been here … read more Alone again, part 3

10th Anniversary

I’ve often used the old line, “It’s easy to quit smoking! I’ve done it a dozen times!” That line, though, actually gets to the core of why I kept smoking for so long. I’d quit, then six months later I’d figure that I had smoking kicked – and I’d have “just a puff.” To really truly quit, … read more 10th Anniversary